a snippet of life
by boogle
Summary: FINISHED! WHOO YEAH! Rimmer presses a red button, oh no! read this weird poem and find out what happens! :D it's very silly and was written at around 2ish in the morning! WARNING: contains pot noodle pain and crappy rhyming!
1. ah

Disclaimer: I do not own the characters or the setting, but I do own the weirdo plot and the crappy rhyming!

This is a load of junk that came out at 2ish in the morning when my sister was keeping me awake with her loud snoring! I'm getting a little stuck on my other story so I did this for some fun. Enjoy dears x.x

…….

…….

Starbug tumbled through the sky,  
As elegant and quick,  
As a crumpled sun-dried ugly snail,  
Half squished by a large red brick,

Said Cat as he sat at starbug's controls,  
Hurtling through the night,  
"God bud! You scared me then,  
You're ugly face gave me a fright!"

Rimmer flared his nostrils,  
And nudged with his little light bee,  
A great big crimson button, marked,  
'If you value life do not press me'

Oh how awful! I hear you cry,  
As Starbug span out of control,  
The crew ended up more battered and broken,  
Than a ten year old whack-a-mole mole.

As they unpeeled themselves from the walls,  
Cat cried out in dismay,  
"Oh no what's happened to my hair?  
Someone is gonna pay!"

"Ha!" Lister said laughing,  
And pointing at Cat's hairdo,  
"It looks like a smegging dog,  
Sat on you and did a poo."

"Shut up bud, like you can talk!"  
Said Cat with an angry meow,  
"At least I don't look like I've  
Spent a week up the rear of a cow!"

He pulled out a comb from a secret supply,  
And brushed at his locks with a frown,  
They smartly smoothed back into place,  
Lovely, sleek and brown.

Kryten came into the cockpit,  
With worry on his face,  
"No need to panic sirs,  
But I think we've run out of plaice!"

"NO!" Cat screamed, with a pout on his lips,  
"That's my fourth favourite type of fish!  
"What the hell am I going to do,  
Without the right fish on my dish?"

"Why the smeg are we talking like this?"  
Said Rimmer, "It sounds stupid!"  
The author soon whacked him with a mouldy orange,  
So he ran away and hid

"Smeg I'm smegging hungry!"  
Lister said, pulling on his hat,  
"Anyone fancy a curry?"  
"I think I'd rather eat," Cat replied,  
"One of my own gorgeous feet,  
"And I won't be doing that in a hurry!"

"I don't mean to alarm you," said Rimmer,  
"But that button that I might have pressed,  
I think it leads to explosives!"  
Said Cat, "Boy, I better get dressed!"

"You're gonna get changed to die?"  
Said Lister, with a bit of panic sinking in,  
"Of course I am bud! You think I wanna peg it  
Dressed like a French manikin?"

"Sirs, we are definitely not going to die,  
That button Mr Rimmer poked,  
Was the one for the pot noodle dispenser!"  
Lister groaned, "this better be a joke!"

"Sirs, this means we have more food,  
We should congratulate Mr Rimmer on his find!"  
Lister made a face, "How about giving him a kick,  
Up his smug hologramic behind!"

"I'd rather die than eat that smeg," he said  
watching Cat take a nap,  
"And if _Lister_ doesn't eat it then it must taste bad,  
coz he eats the most disgusting crap!"

And so we leave our posse,  
After an interesting snippet of their life,  
It's a pity they didn't see it coming,  
The space ship of Lister's GELF wife.

…….

…….

Dun dun duuuunn! Review please! I'll continue if I can be bothered :D


	2. attack

Hehe, I actually like this :D

Cheers to **Zombie kitty**, **Sunrise over the Tango factory**, **Cazflibs** and **Br1de-of-fr3ddy **for reviewing!

…….

…….

Oh yes, the smelly GELFs flew by,  
In their evil looking ship,  
And the poor old crew had no idea,  
And Cat was taking a kip,

The first of the missiles the GELFs did fire,  
And they barely made a scratch,  
It seemed that Lister's hairy wife,  
Still thought he was her perfect match,

Rimmer was humming some crappy tune,  
And naturally irritating Cat,  
Even when he was dead, he still had a head,  
For being an annoying prat,

"Did you feel something?" Lister said jumping up,  
"I think something big just hit us,"  
"Nope, I didn't feel a thing,"  
Said Cat, "What's with all the fuss?"

"My gosh, I believe you're right sir!"  
Kryten said, a little surprised,  
"There's a whopping great big ugly ship,  
Attacking us from behind!"

Cat groaned, "Would you guys just shut up?  
I _need_ my damn beauty sleep!  
If I don't get enough rest," he said,  
"I'll look like a flea-bitten sheep!"

Said Kryten, "I think it's a GELF ship!"  
"A GELF ship?" Lister said with some fear,  
"Yes sir, I think it's you're wonderful wife,  
And it looks like she knows that you're here!"

"Oh Listy Listy Listy," said Rimmer  
"It looks like you're in for a treat!  
She'll take you away, and there you'll stay,  
And later you'll massage her feet."

"No smegging way!" cried Lister,  
"There's no way I'm going with her!  
She's ugly, hairy, smells like gone off dairy,  
And she grows her own ear and nose fur!"

A big ugly GELF's head appeared on the screen,  
And Rimmer promptly ran out of the room,  
"Give us the human!" the translation bellowed,  
"Or face your own smegging doom!"

"We pick the doom! Right guys?" said Lister,  
He'd rather be dead than wed,  
Cat looked at him with one eyebrow raised,  
"Not a chance bud!" he said.

"But what about the posse?  
We stick up for each other – right?"  
"Yes, but I worry for my gorgeous suits,"  
Cat grinned, "So get out there and fight!"

"Too late, we'll get you and kill your friends!"  
Boomed the voice on the display,  
Then it fizzled out and Cat had a shout,  
"So we're all going to die anyway!"

…….

…….

Review please! Next chappie coming soon lol x.x


	3. pot of pain

:D Lol, cheers to: **Sunrise over the tango factory**,** Zombie Kitty** and **Br1de-of-fr3ddy**!

Here's another load of rhymes, hope you enjoy:

…….

…….

Rimmer squealed, "I hope you know,  
"We blame this all on you!"  
Said Lister, "oh well, I don't give a smeg,  
Were only going to last for a few,

More seconds 'til they nick me,  
And smash you into bits."  
Rimmer shouted: "Before they do, I'd like to say,  
That you're all smegging gits!"

And so the horrid GELFs came aboard,  
Much to the horror of the crew,  
"Ah bugger," said Rimmer with a sigh,  
"And I was about to think of a good plan too."

"Oh sirs," Kryten sobbed, "If it'll help,"  
I'm willing to self-destruct,  
And take those evil GELFs with me,  
But I'm afraid I won't be here to clean up!"

"Don't be stupid man," Lister said,  
"We can get through this, you'll see,  
It'll take more than a ship full of murderous GELFs  
To bring down the red dwarf posse."

They trembled in their boots,  
And Cat in his green and black pair,  
When they saw the hairy things come through the door,  
It was time for some clean underwear!

The wife came straight up to Lister,  
Bending down to pick him up with a grin,  
No time for farewells or goodbyes,  
This time she was going to have him.

"No wait!" Lister cried "Before you go,  
There's something you have to try!"  
"What is it?" asked the ugly GELF  
"Pot noodle!" Lister replied

Now everyone knows that pot noodle,  
Is enough to make people cry,  
Just one nibble, can make you dribble,  
Give you stomach pain, or make you die,

So Lister was being quite clever,  
If he could trick those GELFs into trying,  
Pot noodle then they could get away,  
But it was going to take some lying,

"It tastes amazing," Lister lied through his teeth,  
"You've got to try it before,  
You haul me back, and I've still got to pack,  
And then we can walk out the door."

"I don't believe you," the GELF said,  
Fluttering her long eyelashes,  
"I love you, but you're a cheeky little git,  
We'll probably come out in rashes."

"No I swear," Lister screeched,  
As the GELF gathered him up in her arms,  
"Eat it, eat the smeg,  
I promise it'll do you no harm!"

The GELF pondered for a short while,  
Then she made up her mind,  
"I'll eat it so long as you do too,  
Honey, if you'd be so kind."

'_Smeg, smeg and smeggysmeg smeg!_'  
Is what ran screaming, through Lister's brain,  
Now the only way to get out of this mess,  
Was to go through that pot-full of pain,

…….

…….

Review lovely people! x.x


	4. a strange ending

Hehe! Thanks to **Sunrise**, **Cazflibs** and **Br1de-of-fr3ddy **for reviewing!

Well this has been fun, but I'm gonna have to end it. Who knows, maybe some more crappy rhyming and bad plotlines will come your way next time I'm bored . Who knows… :D

…….

…….

Lister took up a fork in his trembling hand,  
And stuck it into that awful bright pot,  
Swished it around with a grimace,  
Looking at the noodles all steamy and hot,

_Smeg smeg smeg smeg  
__Smeg smeg smeg  
__Smeg smeg smeg smeg,  
__Smeg smeg smeg_!

He brought the fork right up to his mouth,  
Bracing himself for the flavour,  
_It couldn't be worse than that dog food could it?  
__Ah smeg,_ His lips started to waver,

He looked at his poor fellow crew mates,  
They didn't look over the moon,  
He had to do this for them,  
Or they'd all be dead fairly soon,

So swallowing his pride and dignity,  
And doing the only right thing,  
Lister gulped down a pile, with a sickening smile,  
Trying to make it look a little tempting,

The GELFs all followed his example,  
Scoffing the noodles with big greedy mouths,  
Then Lister threw up all over the floor,  
At least it didn't go south!

"You lied to me! You male scum!"  
His wife yelled, falling to her knees,  
"That stuff is so foul!" the little GELF howled,  
"I'd rather eat blancmange and peas!"

It didn't take long for the rest to pass out,  
Which was good news for everyone,  
The GELFs were defeated by a little old pot,  
And a vindaloo-smelling space bum.

"My gosh sir are you all right?"  
Asked Kryten helping Lister to stand,  
He made a face, "How did it taste?"  
Lister covered his mouth with a hand,

"I think I'm gonna die!" he said through his fingers,  
The taste was so disgusting and shoddy,  
He didn't think he could live for another day,  
Knowing _that_ had been in his body,

Cat gasped, "I can't believe you did that bud!  
You actually ate that stuff?"  
Lister didn't reply, and they soon saw why,  
He'd passed out because he'd had enough.

They took him to the medibay,  
Under special _special_ care,  
For once you've eaten pot noodle,  
There's only so much more you can bare,

Rimmer was more than a little gobsmacked,  
Knowing what Lister had done,  
And he'd done it not only for himself,  
But for the good of everyone,

Kryten shoved the GELFs back into their vessel,  
And plotted the course for their ship,  
To a planet called ohmygodanorange,  
That should do the trick,

They jettisoned the manky pot noodles,  
Out into the darkness of space,  
So that some other unlucky old buggers,  
Could sample their appalling taste,

So let this be a warning,  
Pot noodle is jam-packed full of pain,  
One day someone may, come to take you away,  
But don't eat it it's not worth the strain!

The End!

…….

…….

Hope you enjoyed it. Noodles! x.x


End file.
